Do you work a 9-5 cubicle job slowly greasing up the cogs of the corporate machine with your tears shed over your lost hopes and dreams? Is the best part of your week when Karen brings donuts to the office on Friday because eating one of those delicious, reject pastries ignites just enough dopamine in your brain to distract from the fact that you just reached the end of yet another 40 hours of wasted life you will never get back? Do you mindlessly answer the phone dozens of times per day in your cubicle with a monotonous voice that expresses how you currently feel about your futile life as a corporate monkey? Does your cubicle feel like a special exhibit on display at the local zoo which is off limits to the public because interacting with the creature inside (you) might give it an existential panic attack, leading to its demise once it realizes it has a ball and chain (otherwise known as a mortgage and a family) forever bound to its leg? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you’re in luck! Because recent studies (which are completely real and definitely not fabricated for this marketing tactic) have shown that 78% of all Americans also live in miserable soul sucking boxes just like you! Even luckier for you, I have just the product that will change your life!
Introducing the Simulated Reality Cubicle (SRC)! What does it do, you ask? The better question is what doesn’t it do! With the latest and greatest in virtual and augmented reality technologies, this high-tech cubicle allows you to experience each phone call in a dynamic way. If a customer is screaming at you because their laptop computer is overheating and blaming you as if you are solely responsible for technology as a whole’s infrastructure, your SRC will enable the dynamic weather system. This will Increase the temperature within your cube to the same temperature of the customer’s laptop (probably around 182 degrees Fahrenheit). This puts pressure on you, in a completely safe, fun way. The call now becomes infinitely more interactive, similar to a videogame because you are racing against the clock for both the customer’s sake, and your own. Not to worry though, because your SRC is only a simulation and cannot actually harm you, but it will certainly feel like it is! The SRC will project a virtual reconstruction of the laptop right before your eyes, so you can walk a customer through how to defuse their ticking time bomb more interactively than ever before!
The SRC isn’t only used for pleasure, it can also help save lives. Or in this case, convince people who aren’t in real danger that they are being saved from their demise. Over 5,000 police dispatchers around the country currently have an SRC in use. Take a look at this real footage with real people, (definitely not actors, robots, or lizard people in human skin) of a police dispatcher handling a call from a local stoner who consumed too many edible brownies. The pothead is heard wailing for poor Susan’s salvation as if he is about to die. Now, we need to make it clear that Mr. disappoints his parents here is entirely safe even after devouring a whole tray of magic brownies. Though he’s certainly a foul individual at best. Weed overdose calls are more frequent than noise complaints, which are the second most despised call in the police station. Because God forbid college kids have “too much fun” in their apartment while you sit home alone reading poetry to your cat. As you might imagine, stoners are especially active on April 20th every year with it being the unofficial hippie national holiday and all. It’s speculated that the great Aristotle thought up most of his existential ideas on this day. Most police dispatchers call out sick on 4/20 each year because the volume of “dying” stoner calls skyrockets. No dispatcher likes to comfort a crying hippie for 45 minutes until he slowly drifts off to sleep for the next 19 hours straight. For the first time ever, police dispatchers can become one with their stoner friends. Watch as Susan’s SRC releases a gas from its vents. This gas is only a simulated illusion, but Susan our dispatcher fully believes the effects are real and acts accordingly. The gas alters Susan’s brain function to mimic what Sammy the stoner is currently experiencing in full. Susan instantly gained the sympathy of a therapy dog and as you can see, is now bawling her eyes out along with her new stoner friend. Sammy and Susan remain best friends to this day after meeting in person shortly following this life changing experience that they shared.
The Simulated Reality Cubicle has an infinite amount of simulated experiences packed within. It has already saved lives, built lasting relationships, gained the approval of the stoner community, and even virtually helped an elderly man on hospice live out his lifelong passion of feeding ducks at the local pond one last time. Don’t worry, we didn’t tell him that he may have killed hundreds of ducks over his life because as it turns out, bread is actually dangerous to a duck’s digestive system. The entire purpose of the SRC is to simulate a fantasy by augmenting reality itself, so we allowed the duck murderer to die peacefully of old age along with his delusional hobby.
If any of this sounds as fantastical as it is, then sign up now for the open beta and get an SRC for half the retail price at launch. Just think, you’re already going to spend the rest of your life in a cubicle. Might as well spice it up! A unit can be delivered to your office or location of choice with free shipping for only $9,999! Be mindful that this is a beta test. Bugs can occur, though there’s no indication that any of the bugs are harmful. Except for Tim, one of the 5 early access Alpha testers. He explicitly ignored the user’s guide and plugged his SRC directly into the wall without a surge protector and it fried his brain like an egg by sending him into a virtual eye of a storm on Jupiter. But hey, at least we know the dynamic weather system works! As a lifelong technician, one might say Tim died doing what he loved, so it wasn’t a total catastrophe. His electrician apprentice showed up to his funeral and ensured he was buried with one of those magic sticks of gum that electrocutes you when the end is pulled. Tim will be dearly missed, but he paved the way for the development of the SRC. Buy a Simulated Reality Cubicle now and carry on the legacy that Tim left behind!